I have a bad habit. I noticed it today as I was leaving a comment in a strategy document. I’d highlighted some text that I found unclear and commented:
“Do you mean X or Y? Because I don’t think it is reasonable for us to do Y”
This is one of my bad management habits. I jump to conclusions. I pretend to ask a question but then make it clear that only one answer can be right.
It is probably obvious why this is bad. While I do want to know more, in this framing, I am talking to hear myself speak, rather than genuinely asking for more information that would help me understand the plan and allow me to give better feedback. By stating my preference up-front I cut off discussion. What’s worse, I make the receiver unlikely to honestly answer my question; unless, that is, they feel up to the task of debating me.
In writing you can review what you have said and edit your phrasing to eliminate this kind of thing, but it’s significantly more difficult when you’re in verbal conversation. When you’re talking you don’t have a chance to see yourself poisoning the well and cutting off opinions before they can be explained. This is one of the many reasons I have tried to embrace the mantra get curious. I use this phrase to remind myself that I have to make room for people, that my first reaction is not always the right one, and that when I hear something that doesn’t sound right I need to listen more rather than jump all over it.
If you are (or were) a highly opinionated engineer, practicing making space for information rather than quickly jumping in and sharing your conclusions is a must for leadership growth. The more senior you become, the harder it is for people to feel comfortable disagreeing with you openly. That is not a sign of weakness on their part! Most people with any sense of self-preservation know that saying the wrong thing to the wrong person can have negative consequences. Lucky for you, as the manager, people are going to listen to what you have to say. Unlucky for you, as the manager, if you don’t make space for them to say things that you disagree with, you are unlikely to hear important details.
Making good decisions requires you to get as much information as possible, to understand the nuances of the scenario from all angles. It is very difficult to do that if people are afraid to contradict you. One of the less-obvious ways we make people afraid is by offering our opinions too early, without taking the time to get the rest of the information. So the next time you’re tempted to ask a question and answer it yourself, stop. Get curious. You already know there’s something you don’t totally understand, so hold on stating your opinions until you’re sure you’ve gotten as much information as possible.
Now, to go edit that comment…